pondlife's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- session sixty Sometimes I need reminding why I keep the world at arm's length. "No one's going to understand you the way I do." And he's right of course. He's always right. But the more uncooperative and apathetic I become, the closer he circles, watching. Worksheets and financial forecasts set aside he makes a drink, leans back against the desk and languidly ignites a cigarette. I'm studying the floor in front of me, refusing to look up at him. "But you see, I don't have the will to digest much more defiance." I'm not troubled by the overbearing possessiveness, it's become almost endearing. No, it's the prying that offends me so. Mistrust on his part begets withdrawal on mine. And it's all eventual, we have but to watch the sign posts pass. The less frequently I allow actual touching, the more often I walk away from him mid-conversation, the more impatient and suspicious he becomes. I hold an image of the two of us, shortly after my return from Sri Lanka. An argument, shattered crystal, and amber liquor tinged with blood. There was absolute silence for a moment, and then his arms around me, kisses, apologies. Sex. For weeks after I am glacial, indifferent to anything he says or does. It's all eventual. This is a long sigh removed from my youthful affairs of the past. I've traded it all in for more substantial challenges, like raising children and keeping this relationship afloat. But he insists on treating me like an unrepentant, errant schoolboy. "It wasn't a cynical ploy on my part, given your track record." But I'm already crossing the room, my thumb on the 'unlock' button of the keyless entry. 7:18 p.m. - 2008-08-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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